Positive News For Nov. 25th- Dec. 1st

ALLEGED COP KILLER OFF THE STREETS

Seattle residents can rest a little easier now that alleged cop killer Maurice Clemmons is no longer a threat to public safety following police action Tuesday night. Clemmons, who was wanted for the alleged murder of four police officers in the Seattle-Tacoma area, was taken off the streets within hours of being first spotted by a police officer and later identified by forensic detectives. The fear Clemmons’ manhunt caused throughout the Pacific Northwest is expected to have already dissipated greatly as law enforcement agents can assure the public that Clemmons will never again affect the community. [click here for silver lining: “Maurice Clemmons Killed”]

WHITE HOUSE OPENS DOORS TO PUBLIC

After decades of limiting access to foreign dignitaries, royalty, and other persons of highly scrutinized notoriety, the White House opened its doors to the general public last weekend allowing one lucky couple the evening of a lifetime. Mr. and Mrs. Salahi of Virginia were allowed access directly into a state dinner where they were able to meet members of the nation’s inner circle, distinguished guest from the international community and even the President of the United States. Although it is unknown if and when the White House will again open its doors to almost anyone interested in an inclusive visit, the secret service has already interviewed Mr. and Mrs. Salahi to weigh the possibility of further visits from the public. [click here for silver lining: “Dinner Crashers Shook Hands With Obama”]

TIGER WOODS SHARES SPOTLIGHT WITH WIFE

The woman who has lived the last 5 years as simply “The Wife of Tiger Woods” has finally received a name to go with her enviable marital position thanks to Tiger’s efforts over the Thanksgiving holiday. Following her media whirlwind over the weekend Elin Nordegren has gone from being simply “Tiger’s better half” to one of the most talked about women in America prompting even novice golf fans to want to learn more about her and her legendary husband. If history serves any example, Nordegren can expect her popularity to culminate with a sizable carat reminder of her husband’s affections similar to that of Kobe Bryant’s wife Vanessa. [click here for silver lining: “Tiger Woods Fends Off Mistress Rumors and Police”]

Positive News For Nov. 25th- Dec. 1st

Positive News for Nov. 18th- Nov. 24th

OBAMA FLEXIBLE, SHOWS EMPORER

U.S. President Barack Obama silenced fitness critics around the world last week after publically folding at the waist and bending forward while on a visit with Japan’s Emperor Akihito. While the President isn’t shy about his propensity to exercise privately, his recent public display of flexibility squelched any rumors that his presidency could be cut short by a poor range of motion or inability to touch his toes. The physical gesture is expected to do more than influence America’s image throughout the world as it proves the most popular person on the planet is indeed fit enough to lead the world’s most powerful nation. [click here for silver lining: “Conservatives Slam Obama for Bow in Japan”]

UC RAISES ADMISSION STANDARDS

Admission into California’s public Universities may become more exclusive to potential students thanks to new state regulations which could limit enrollment to students capable of giving back to the struggling state. As California’s government continues to face an economic downturn, the state’s new admission standards would educate a selection of traditionally opulent students who show the greatest potential for generating the assistance state law makers need most. Although these new regulations would make it harder for common students to earn a higher education in the state of California, the favorable class sizes and coveted student body would help UC schools to better compete with smaller private institutions. [click here for silver lining: “Massive Tuition Hikes Passed”]

PUMPKIN SHORTAGE TO HAVE NO REAL EFFECT

Unseasonable precipitation throughout the Midwest will have little effect on the 2009 holiday season as everything is expected to carry-on as normal in the United States. Agricultural specialists throughout the country believe the heavy rains drenching the country’s pumpkin producing states will actually save time during the holiday season, keeping Americans from preparing holiday dishes that typically go uneaten. The pumpkin shortage could also have divine implications as it forces generous Americans to purchase and donate edible canned goods that could actually be enjoyed by the nation’s less fortunate. [click here for silver lining: “Pumpkin Shortage Could Mean Empty Shelves After Thanksgiving”]

Positive News for Nov. 18th- Nov. 24th

Positive News for Nov. 11th- Nov. 17th

MIKE TYSON RECORDS 45TH KO

In his first recognized fight since retiring in 2005, former heavy weight champion of the world Mike Tyson returned to the boxing community spotlight after recording his 45th knock out during an unpublicized bout at LAX airport. A large group of onlookers bore witness to sports history as the 43-year old former champion showed glimmers of his past dominance, sending his unnamed challenger to the floor a mere seconds into the first round. The KO was officially recognized by authorities at the scene who promptly escorted Tyson to a recap/Q & A session in more intimate quarters. [click here for silver lining: “Boxer Mike Tyson Detained in LAX”]

USPS 2-DAY WEEKEND CONSIDERED

The U.S. Postal service may operate more effectively in the near future as the government considers the possibility of offering employees an additional day off on Saturdays. The additional day off per week could remedy the injustice forcing postal employees to work Saturdays, further distancing their moral from that of employees of other parcel delivery services who could have to work any day of the week including Sunday. Although the “No Saturday” mail delivery status hasn’t yet been ordered by the Post Master General, USPS employees can surely expect a wave of similar morale changers to follow like additional days off, early retirements, and unexpected leaves of absence. [click here for silver lining: “Post Office Reports Loss, May Cut Saturday Service”]

PREJEAN EXCELS AMID CAREER CHANGE

Job loss wasn’t enough to keep former Miss California, Carrie Prejean from success as the 22-year old continues to amass significant financial gains without the notoriety of a pageant sash. Prejean’s resilience to adversity has only made her stronger as she’s learned to draw on her past body of work to remain a valid public figure, turning her life experience and opinions into a career as a conservative advocate. More importantly, Prejean is in a position to do more than defend decency as her innovative plan to maintain an income based on her popularity could serve as an example for a whole new generation of American workers. [click here for silver lining: “Sex Tape Beauty Queen Almost Walks Off Show”]

Positive News for Nov. 11th- Nov. 17th

Positive News for Nov. 4th- Nov. 10th

NW’S LAMBERT GROWS WOMENS SOCCER FAN BASE

The popularity of NCAA women’s soccer has grown dramatically over the last week due to the unbelievable efforts by University of New Mexico defender Emily Lambert during a tournament match Vs BYU. Thanks to an unconventional style typically unseen in the women’s game, the New Mexico junior was able to make the traditionally overlooked NCAA sport thrilling for spectators around the world as highlights illustrating Lambert’s skills found their way across the web. Although Lambert’s efforts fell short in New Mexico’s 0-1 loss, the university’s athletic department believes she’ll never play a better college match. [click here for silver lining:   “New Mexico Player Banned, Apologizes”]

STROLLER RECALL HIGHLIGHTS TREND SPOTTING

Children’s stroller manufacturer Maclaren showcased market awareness last week after recalling nearly 1 million strollers responsible for enforcing old trends on children who ride in them. The recalled strollers are responsible for altering the number of a child’s appendages giving him/or her the physical characteristics of the once heavily popular pirate craze, which has recently fallen out of style in favor of vampires. Although the recall will put Maclaren in an unfavorable financial position, it allows the manufacturer to showcase more of the amazing trend forecasting that predicted America’s pirate trend as early as 1999. [click here for silver lining: “Maclaren to Recall 1 Million Strollers”]

TENSIONS NORMALIZE BETWEEN N. AND S. KOREA

The unusual relationship between North and South Korea has finally come to a close following a recent meeting between the two countries on the West Sea. The event marks the first sea-based exchange of ideals in 7 years between the Korean neighbors, which will open the door for further interactions in the future. Luckily, the return to the status quo comes just weeks before U.S. President Barack Obama’s visit to the south, allowing him a proper opportunity to undergo a true Korean experience. [click here for silver lining: “North, South Korea Clash at Sea”]

Positive News for Nov. 4th- Nov. 10th

Positive News For October 28th -November 3rd

PA WOMAN INNOVATIVE DESPITE ECONOMY

A 43 year-old Philadelphia woman seeking highly coveted World Series tickets showed the world the American spirit of innovation is still alive and well in the United States despite the slow economy. Die hard Phillies fan, Susan Finkelstein’s strategy to broker a cashless business transaction carried enough potential for success that even members of the local government were willing to monitor its outcome. Finkelstein’s steadfast commitment to succeed despite personal adversity is another endearing symbol of America’s return to glory. [click here for silver lining: “Woman Accused of Selling Body for WS Tix”]

HILLARY CLINTON COMMANDS ROBOT ARMY

A recent trip to Pakistan by US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton confirmed local suspicions that she is in command of a US robot army operating in the region. The affirmation came during a news conference in the troubled region as Clinton was held responsible for all unmanned drone tactics aimed against insurgents along Pakistan’s border. While Clinton never admitted to being the robot army’s leader, after answering the public’s questions on the absent robots’ behalf, her position as commander was strongly assumed. [click here for silver lining: “Clinton Takes Heat For Drone Attacks” ]

AMERICAN MUSLIM EMBRACES WOMEN’S RIGHTS

Muslim immigrant, Rabia Sarwar began her journey through the American dream last week after independently acting on her rights as a woman. Without asking for a man’s permission, the resident of New York chose to disagree with her husband and illustrate her sentiments for the rest of the world to see without the fear of condemnation from her peers. As a result of Sarwar’s foray into the women’s liberation movement, Sarwar may be given the opportunity to learn more about her rights from a diverse and well-versed population of women. [click here for silver lining: “Muslim Wife Slashed Husband’s Neck Over Booze, Pork, and Miniskirts”]

Positive News For October 28th -November 3rd

Positive News for October 21st- 27th

NORTHWEST PROVIDES FREE FLIGHT TO WISCONSIN

Northwest Airlines gave back to its customers last week providing passengers aboard Airbus Flight 188 with an unannounced free flight from Minneapolis, MN to neighboring Wisconsin. Although the free flight couldn’t have come during a more financially unstable time for the airline industry, Northwest’s risky promotion will most certainly affect the number of travelers choosing Northwest in the future. While the FFA cannot predict more unannounced free flight promotions in the future, they are rather certain similar occurrences will be repeated throughout the industry. [click here for silver lining:  “Flight Overshoots Airport By 150 Miles” ]

STOCK MARKET RETURNS TO NORMAL

The stock market’s wild ride has finally drawn to a close as stocks rebound following new economic forecasts for the remainder of the quarter. Predictions on the railroad industry’s ability to move goods was the major contributor to the market’s return prompting the Dow Jones Industrial Average to make an unexpected 125 point shift. While uncertainty still remains a constant within the stock market, financial strategists are confident the economy’s return to stasis will retain its current heading. [click here for silver lining: “Wall Street Slides On Railroad, Oil Woes”]

AGASSI CLEARED IN ’97 MARRIAGE TO

BROOKE SHIELDS

A new autobiography on the life of tennis legend Andre Agassi has cleared the former pro of any wrong doing in his ill-fated decision to wed Brooke Shields in 1997. The news comes as a relief to tennis fans as Agassi’s union with the model/’actress’ has long been the only blemish on an otherwise stellar career. More importantly skepticism about Agassi’s judgment can finally be dismissed at it is clear the then tennis pro’s actions were led by what the devil told him to do. [click here for silver lining: “Agassi Says He Used Meth in ‘97”]

Positive News for October 21st- 27th

Positive News for Oct. 14th- 20th

AMERICA BRIEFLY OBSESSED WITH BALLOONING

A spirited display of leisure hot-air transportation momentarily reinvigorated the nation’s fascination for ballooning, waking an obsession dormant in this country since the late 19th century. The event captivated Americans from all walks of life guided by more than 6 hours of live media coverage and post-flight reports into the following day. While the ballooning craze was over almost as soon as it began, its meager longevity was certainly expected given the waning interest before and after the flight from children closest to the action. [click here for silver lining: “Authorities: Balloon Boy Incident was a Hoax”]

BANK OF AMERICA RELATES TO COSTUMERS

America’s largest bank, Bank of America, has shed its all-powerful corporate image for an approach recognizing the concerns of its customers. As the status of American banking continues to pit powerful banks against people concerned for their financial stability, Bank of America has prepared itself to understand the pain, confusion, and fear associated with trusting a financial system to keep your best interests at heart. Although it is unknown how long Bank of America plans to proceed with their new costumer relation-relations, Americans can expect the strategy to continue as long as Bank of America maintains its previous business practices. [click here for silver lining: “Bank of America: $2.2 Billion Loss”]

ST. LOUIS RAMS EVADE CATASTROPHE

The St. Louis Rams earned a decisive win for their franchise last week escaping the title of professional football’s greatest embarrassment. Despite a 0-5 record the Rams were able to pull an upset on an overwhelming opponent to salvage any remaining shreds of dignity the team hoped to maintain throughout the remainder of the season. It is clear the Rams still have a lot of work ahead of them if they hope to muster a legitimate playoff run but no matter the team’s final record, last week’s success in escaping sure disaster more than constitutes a winning season. [click here for silver lining: “Limbaugh Dropped From Rams Bid”]

Positive News for Oct. 14th- 20th